Mother of Two

Between the bins of maternity clothes set out at our garage sale and my post about bringing in outgrown baby clothes for consignment, it of course begs the question: are we done having kids?  It's funny, when you're seriously dating someone, everyone asks if you're getting married.  Then at every bridal shower, everybody thinks it's funny and appropriate to ask about family planning.  After you have a baby, everyone wants to know when you're having another (I remember being at my six week post-partum appointment after Oliver was born when the OB asked if we were planning to have more children.  I looked at him incredulously, and muttered something about having just been septic and hormonal being a very bad time to ask this question.) After two kids, everyone asks if you're done. 

I have a very hard time saying we're done.  We'll never have a baby of our own in this house again, and that makes me sad.  It feels like a loss.  I stuff our linebacker Charlie into onesies because we will have no use for them after he grows out of them.  I threw away his nuks one at a time so it didn't feel like a big deal.  We still have formula and a bottle sitting on a top shelf in our kitchen that we'll never need to use.  When Charlie's done with his crib, when Charlie starts to talk, when he goes to preschool...the more an era in our lives will be done.  How I miss that soft, warm little form curled up on my chest, breathing into my neck as we fell asleep together. 

 

I miss those big firsts of teeth, rolling over, crawling, steps and words.  But I'm slowly realizing that although I will always have aching for these early days from time to time, it's not reason alone enough to have another baby. Because that will baby will grow up, too, and I will ache all over again.

We've always felt like we were meant to be a family of four.  Michael and I both grew up with one other sibling and it just felt...normal.  With my complicated cardiac history, and a heart that functions at 60% of a normal adult, it is nothing short of a miracle I was able to have children at all.  We have carefully considered that while my cardiologists have said it may be possible to have another child, it will come with its risks and could worsen my uncorrected leaking valve.  Not to mention how seriously ill I got with infections after both Oliver and Charlie, spending weeks in the hospital alone when I should have been at home with my baby. Post-partum infection is fairly rare, and for it to happen both times is an anomaly, and predisposes me to get sick again should I have another.  I need to be thoughtful about preserving vein access and general health in preparation for surgeries in the near future. I need to be thoughtful about being as healthy as I can be for my kids.  I need them to be older before I have open heart surgery, since I won't be able to lift them for a month or two afterwards. Putting a third in the mix could compromise all of this. 

So yes, we're done.  Surrounded by loved ones struggling with fertility and miscarriages, we are acutely aware of how blessed we were to have not just one, but two spectacular, beautiful boys. We are beyond grateful, thankful, happy, humbled.  I get to be Oliver and Charlie's Mom.  We are missing absolutely nothing.  My arms and my heart are full.