Princess and the Pee

I have not needed to wait far into my third trimester to experience the joys of bonding with the bathroom. At 30 weeks, our baby should be about 3 pounds by now, and I cringe, absolutely cringe, to think of that weight doubled onto my pea-sized (no pun intended) bladder. I will be doing just fine driving around for work, or sitting down in a patient's home, but when I stand up, I immediately begin planning out the quickest route to the nearest public restroom, and if I can't get there, is there any inconspicuous place to squat. (No, I have not done that, but I won't deny that it's in my emergency back-up plan).



At night, I have been known to get up 4-6 times to pee (which directly correlates to how many times I am turning over. Slosh, slosh, ow.) If I am sleeping hard and don't wake up until the pain is severe, or heaven help me I've somehow turned onto my back and the extra poundage is compounded, I shuffle to the bathroom looking like an old woman as I'm hardly able to stand up straight due to the pain. And once I'm there, I'm done peeing in like, 2-3 seconds. All of that pain for an ounce of urine? It just seems so unfair.



Another enigma regarding pee and the preggo: urine samples. For any gentlemen reading this blog, let me explain something to you (that is, if you're still reading). Your anatomy is built for urine samples. Women, not so much. And as if it's not tricky enough, you belly grows to the point of no return and there is no estimating the downstairs geography if you catch my drift. Trying to lift your gut out of the way is pointless. All I'm saying is that they need to be providing us with gloves alongside that cup. That clear little cup sporting my name, medical record number, date of birth, and my pee. Shouldn't they just slap on my address and cell phone number while they're at it?



I am dreadfully sorry for the poor soul who has to reach into the pee drop box and grab at the samples- which are uncovered. Two words for this: Nas-ty. Press-N-Seal, Saran wrap, crepe paper streamers, I don't care - what I wouldn't give for something to cover my golden gift. What if the lab tech's hands are large and clumsy? That drop box is pretty small. The other day I nearly gagged when I opened up the secret door to leave my deposit and found another sample sitting there waiting to be picked up. How are someone's fingers going to carefully slide between the cups and select one at a time without spilling?


Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go pee.