To C or Not to C

I was sitting in the middle of a lecture my sophomore year of college when I learned that I would need to have a C-section. The paragraph in my OB nursing textbook hilighted "Adults with Congential Heart Defects," and went on to explain that the stress of labor and delivery is so profoundly intense, that it is too dangerous for a woman with a heart defect to go through it.

I went for a jog that day and cried. I was born with multiple congenital heart defects; most have been corrected, but I still have a valve that is leaking moderately and will require fairly major surgery to repair in the future. After it is repaired, it will continue to need repairs as frequently as every 10 years, each one requiring open heart surgery. Needless to say, we are not seeking valve repair until it becomes absolutely necessary, when the moderate leakage becomes severe and I present with symptoms.

It never occurred to me how this would effect me when ready to have children, until it was reviewed in class. I felt it unfair that I had to find out in the middle of a lecture that I would not be able to deliver "normally." This was a profound loss for me. Many women tell me that I should be grateful, because I won't be undergoing the horrendous pain or childbirth. And I get to pick the date. A C-section is a great thing, then: a permission slip to get out of the worst pain of your life. And while I recognize the advantages pointed out by eye-rolling women who tell me, "consider yourself lucky!" I grieve the loss of the ability to deliver vaginally. I am unable to see how strong my body is. In essense, I am already being told it is not strong enough. I am unable to add my own "war story" of labor to everyone elses' and compare notes. I can't go through what women's bodies are built to do.

I grieved it and moved on. And here we are, expecting, and I was expecting a C-section. But as we began our prenatal care, we found that many providers were not so convinced that a C-section is necessary, or even recommended. Some physicians would say, "you could probably do a vaginal delivery if you really wanted to." Others, "you really need to consider the risks of both. A C-section is not the easy way out." Thank you very much, but being a nurse who has herself undergone countless procedures and several surgeries, I am well-aware that a C-section comes with its own sets of risks: longer recovery time, risk of infection, blood loss, etc. I get it. Nothing irks me more than a condescending attitude that assumes that I'm choosing "the easy option." Michael and I want to choose the option that bests preserves the health of my heart and the baby.

After C-section-hesitating physicians, we met with other providers who were all in favor of doing a C-section. They actually recommended it over vaginal birth and were clear to point out to me and Michael that this is our decision, and they will follow whatever plan we come up with. We thanked these physicians up and down for their compassion and trust in our decision-making skills, and made up our mind to schedule a C-section, feeling it was our safest option. It felt good to have the decision made, knowing we had support behind us.

And then we met someone new today. The disadvantage of being followed in a high-risk pregnancy OB group is meeting multiple providers. This particular provider asked us to "really think" about our options, and strongly recommended a vaginal birth where I would be doing no pushing; our son would arrive in this world via forceps and vacuum assist. We were quick to voice our feelings agaist these methods, and we were met with a chuckle, shake of the head, and the response "that's why you're here; we know how to do those things well!" I'm thinking, we are here because I'm a high-risk patient, not because you're good with a burger-flipper applied to my baby's head. Michael then took an assertive tone that made this physician sit down and shed a bit of his attitude. He explained his views of the pros and cons of both methods of delivery. It made us think: maybe we had some more research to do after all.

I am willing to do the research, and to keep an open mind. On one hand, I cannot bear the thought of hearing that vacuum in the delivery room, knowing that it is suctioning and pulling on my little one's head. I'm a bit on the holistic side, and the thought of our son coming from the womb to the world via a hoover just seems barbaric to me. Not to mention a foreceps grabbing his little body like an item off of a salad bar.

And then my mind flips again. What if we do a C-section with every delivery, and end up wanting more than 2-3 children? C-sections become less of an option and more of a risk after a certain number. And another positive: with a vaginal birth, I would be able to reclaim the loss that I grieved. I would be able to try to deliver this baby naturally like most women.

The tears flowed readily after today's appointment. I am tired of thinking we reached a decision, only to have our confidence and plans shaken by more things to consider and other person's opinion to keep in mind. Michael and I will continue to ask providers what their recommendations are, and I must say that having to make the deicison ourselves is a very big burden. Whatever we decide, there will be some providers that will disagree with our method. And yet it shouldn't be about their opinion. It is clear that there is no clear right answer. We'll just continue to write out our pros and cons list and trust God with the result. After all, this child is in His hands, no matter how he comes into the world.