Fruit of the Womb

At our OB appointment yesterday, the OB checked my cervix. It was nothing like I dreamed it would be.

Let me clarify. As mentioned several weeks ago, I am having those strange, strange pregnancy dreams, brought on by hormones and anxiety. One of the weirder ones last week involved a cervical check, which was much less invasive than the real thing. I was told to blow my nose as many times as I could in a one-minute period; they then counted the boogers on the Kleenex, which indicated how many centimeters dilated I was.

There was no Kleenex. Just a gloved hand placed high enough that I remotely feared it was going to end up popping out somewhere near my face.

For the record, I am well-aware that I recently mentioned a reluctance to share information about my cervix. That's true, especially in public places, when the question comes uninvited from people I barely know. But this is my blog, and though it is hardly private, well, I can do whatever I want. I am 1 centimeter dilated.

The doctor explained, "your baby is not going to drop out today, though I wouldn't be surprised if you came in with ruptured membranes in 2-3 days." The plan, then, as we approach our due date, is to wait another week. Next Friday we will have another booger I mean cervical check. If things are progressing nicely, great. Continue to wait for things to happen soon. If not, and we're not much past the 1 centimeter mark? We will do some procedures to ripen my cervix.

These were his words. "Ripen the cervix." What is it with obstetrics and graphic terminology? Isn't the whole process, from conception to birth, graphic enough as it is? Ripening has no appeal to me, though if I think about it, I guess it just means "getting ready." A fruit is not ready until it is ripe. So if my cervix needs ripening, will I be instructed to wear a paper bag for underwear and sit in the pantry? That's what I do with green bananas.

I'm pretty sure the ripening process will not be that mundane, though there is the possibility that it will take about the same amount of time. Let's hope for a really runny nose on Friday.