What I Can Promise

I am getting better at letting Oliver cry a little before I can get to him. It's when his generally unhappy cries turn into breath-holding, blood-curdling screams and pathetic sobs that get me unraveled. I understand that crying won't hurt him. I get that he will forgive me. But sometimes, it just gets to me.

Today, he went down for a nap in his swing, and I went down for mine on the nearby couch. Thunder began to hum a few miles away and the room darkened as I enetered dark dreams. Just before I fell asleep I had been thinking about my patient that passed away on Friday, my little friend that I blogged about last week. I was thinking that I still needed to get a card in the mail to his parents, or drop him an e-mail. My dreams had brought me to his house to say goodbye.

I came back to the room in a split second when Oliver let out the saddest, loudest cry. Getting better at identifying which cry means what, I knew that this was a pain cry. Probably a really sharp gas pain. He fell right back asleep, then woke again instantly in another scream. Maybe, I thought, he was having a bad dream, too. If infants dream, they can have bad ones, can't they? The cry, bringing on a couple of big tears and a pouty lip, brought me to my feet to rescue my sweet boy. I held him close and he fell asleep on me for another three hours, all without a peep.

Breaking out some lullaby CD's a couple of weeks ago, I began to pay attention to the words. And morbidly but realistically, identified that many of the promises we make to our children in those songs cannot always be kept. Shielding our child from harm. Protecting him from pain. Working in my field, I am all-too aware that we do not have control over these things.

My sad dream playing out just before Oliver's pained cry was a cruel juxtaposition. I held Ollie close. It tears me up to see him in any kind of discomfort. And I can't ever promise him that I can make it better, because there may be times when I can't. But I can pray, comfort, hold, and love, that I can promise.